Serious question now, this may delve into the deepest parts of you. This could be described in one word or a few. This could be hope, desire, lust, anger, rage or perhaps the chance for something new, the strive for perfection or maybe you can’t quite put it into words.
I’ve often wondered what motivates me, I often find myself living my day to day life. Usually consisting of eating, work, games, chatting to friends. That probably accounts for 50% of my day on average. The other 50% is what I like to have to myself. I spend a lot of time self-reflecting, on my mood, my behavior. I think up a lot of scenarios, not solely about myself – but about others as well. Usually, these scenarios involve helping others, be it in the not so distant future where we can see more crisis unraveling with Human affairs alone and with the planet as well.
Sometimes I use those scenarios with feeling, that give meaning, so that I can better understand something, so that it actually makes me see a little clearer and well… sometimes I don’t actually know. I feel it’s just an in-built process that revolves a lot around ‘pre-feeling’, which is probably why I’m so fast acting in situations that require one to be calm and precise so as to best provide the best solution; be it a domestic affair, a friend in need or someone who needs comforting after a row with their other half.
So, remember this part – A lot of what I study and hope to do revolves around helping people, be it just listening, being someone who needs advice to give and hopefully changing social behavior around precious commodities such as food and water (the security of to be more precise).
I often find myself lay awake at night, usually long hours. More often than not, and this is one of the biggest things I hate, I find myself thinking about it simultaneously whilst doing things that really need my full attention; work, games, reading, etc…
Meditation used to help with that, I guess I’m not going into my mindful states with 100% – vicious circle.
But this also got my thinking further whilst I’ve been thinking about this. It sort of breaks off into branches.
I guess this motivation comes from a lack of. A lot of the time I feel helpless, lost and confused – I know what I’m doing, but I don’t always feel like I’m doing it for myself. I feel like there is a plan afoot, not paranoia, I don’t feel anyone is cheating me. This is entirely contained within.
And I guess these feelings come from a long forgotten part of myself, a part for some reason I have buried. Which is why my aforementioned motivation above isn’t so simple, there is more to just wanting to help people.
I was considered a ‘weird’ child, and I was bullied a lot when I was younger. I was taken advantage of a lot. I distinctly remember some of my ‘closest’ friends playing pranks on me when I clearly didn’t appreciate such things. Kids will be kids, I can’t blame anyone for what they did when I was say, ten. This would be quite silly.
However, it can help me understand some things. Mainly, something I’m not so proud of – just like in the beginning of the post, I mentioned anger.
I consider myself to be an incredibly angry person – however, tightly controlled. I’d never willingly hit or hurt anyone unless they were hell bent on trying to hurt me or people I care for – that being said, I won’t be an innocent bystander either.
It’s this kind of feeling that has left me numb to others. Which is probably why I get so confused and on edge at times. Those feelings were lost, so those feelings feel new… again…
So, what I’m hoping to get at here is I sometimes don’t know who I am. I genuinely wonder what kind of person I am. Am I nice? Am I a dick 50% of the time?
I can’t put it into enough words because I feel like their aren’t enough – so that’s all I can say on that matter. I can’t think of the right words to bash out onto this post because I feel as if these words don’t exist. Maybe I need to do some more reading…
There are some parts I know are true, mainly because my gut is telling me to not dance with the unknown. I always tell the truth when I can, lying is something that bothers me a lot. I keep secrets, because I know the weight of one single word slipping out is like a comet impacting the earth.
That’s all I have for now…