Well, well, well…

I’ve just about finished my worst night shift at work providing the extra 12 in the 24/7 support we run for our clients, unfortunately I can’t shed more light on this; but I will say it has been interesting, I’ve experienced a whole different side to work I can really get behind. It’s definitely given me a little more independence and a problem solving-energiser. Having said that, this might be because of a few things!

I’ve been better lately, I haven’t completely stuck to my new diet regime, but from what I have been, I’ve noticed a significant improvement in generally feeling better. As for the medication I take to keep myself sane, I had an increased dosage. It has been working really well for me and I finally feel more in control as I once did.

I’m learning more at work and I’m being given more responsibility, I’m feeling better all round, my confidence is going up and my anxiety is dwindling down. I’m reaching my goals! I’m going to begin my new training routine this Monday and tackle and maintain that goal. Remember, small steps, only grow when you have the resources to expand and maintain that circle you call your comfort zone.

It’s been a while…

So, the title suggests quite blatantly that it’s been a while. It has. I’ve been quite pre-occupied over the last year with personal issues, academic issues and generally domestic ones. But I’m finally in a position where things are on the up again.

For the most part, I’d like to report that I’ve been working as a Support Engineer for a software logistics company based in my new home town. So far I’m learning lots, the people are lovely and I’ve been given this great opportunity to grow. So far things are going well, and the more I learn, the more I’ll be able to do and from there I progress.

For me, that’s the best thing, progression. I hate feeling stationary. I’ve been moving forward for years, if not slowly for the most part, but not things seem to be accelerating again. I’m back in the field of computing technologies and I’m now back in the right frame of mind. Now I feel things are clearer and I can begin making more concise decisions about what I want to achieve over the next year…

I want to get back into programming.

On that note I want to get back into HTML/CSS, so I can be creative again.

I want to stay active, both mentally and physically and keep a healthy flow going.

I want to read more.

I want to connect more with some of my friends who I’ve lost touch with, this might be a harder one, as everyone leads their own life. But I shall try nonetheless.

I want to write more on here and thus begin writing articles again to keep my mind active. I felt a small sense of achievement after analysing and writing small essays, if not tiny literature reviews on pieces I had read about.

So… this my my yearly plan. Big things have small beginnings.


Well, what’s new?

Into my second semester of my second year at university. Currently working on dissertation topics for my third year, I’ve skimmed through what I’d like out of third year so I’ve chosen my modules. Half computer modelling, half resilience, city planning and climate change oriented in nature. I hope the two will become a whole as I can create modelling systems out of these.

My dissertation topic idea I want to look at is the pressures exerted onto farmers by supermarket forces and whether this will affect their means to seek out methods of production through the use of robotics. Just waiting for it to be approved and I’ll be on my way!

Felt good coming up with this idea, because it touches back on robotics, something I adore and it touches on agriculture, something I’m interested in, naturally wanting to enter into food and water security later in my life. It’d be interesting to see what drives the process of change in this sector because it’s current, it’s now. It needs to be understood.

I finally did it.

I finally had the cleft surgery on my lip after so long. Swollen, numb in places, but looking good. General anesthetic was the bane of my existence after waking up, I had just a headache. Although I was extremely confused after waking up, naturally falling asleep surrounded by three people and suddenly waking up right in a new room surrounded by about five or six people. Still, I’m really glad I went through with it. Just got to rest and heal up now.

Chapter 1 – Introductory Principles

I’ve been using Knighton’s book (Fluvial Forms and Processes, 1984) to revise for my Catchment Systems module. It’s proving easy to read and digest. What I’ve learnt today is that there is a lot of history involving geomorphological processes that has been somewhat shunned to cater for engineering and channel management with regards to spacial and temporal variability whereby time would be considered to be on a much larger scale and has now been reduced to 10-100 years to best manage a recurring problem to do with sediment transport. This is known as the regime theory (origins Anglo-Indian school of engineering).

There are generally two theories that guide the use of processes surrounding catchment systems; Deterministic and Probabilistic.

1) Deterministic takes the world as a set of physical laws where once understood would produce near-satisfactory accuracy for which management and engineering can take place.

2) Probabilistic takes the first theory and adds its own personal twist where an inherent chaos exists within the system that cannot be predicted. This is because the natural world is so vast and complex that physical laws can’t account for everything in the Deterministic approach.

Home for Christmas

So I’m home for Christmas, although something seems different. More concise, etc… I know what I need to be doing.

Revision guides have been produced and I’ve gotten some bargains through Amazon on some books to help along with revision – I should see them this week! Still though I feel frustrated for some reason. I guess it’s because I’m bored and I have nothing to do. So I’m going to try and maintain a blogging regime to keep myself active. I hope to produce at least one post every day or two.

Hopefully about something I’m interested in, but if nothing interesting is around the corner then I’m either not trying hard enough or it’ll have to be about some random crap that’s happened. All part of the routine building I guess!

Things I should be doing this Christmas is making CV’s to hand out for Easter and Summer time, get them in early!

What motivates you?

Serious question now, this may delve into the deepest parts of you. This could be described in one word or a few. This could be hope, desire, lust, anger, rage or perhaps the chance for something new, the strive for perfection or maybe you can’t quite put it into words.

I’ve often wondered what motivates me, I often find myself living my day to day life. Usually consisting of eating, work, games, chatting to friends. That probably accounts for 50% of my day on average. The other 50% is what I like to have to myself. I spend a lot of time self-reflecting, on my mood, my behavior. I think up a lot of scenarios, not solely about myself – but about others as well. Usually, these scenarios involve helping others, be it in the not so distant future where we can see more crisis unraveling with Human affairs alone and with the planet as well.

Sometimes I use those scenarios with feeling, that give meaning, so that I can better understand something, so that it actually makes me see a little clearer and well… sometimes I don’t actually know. I feel it’s just an in-built process that revolves a lot around ‘pre-feeling’, which is probably why I’m so fast acting in situations that require one to be calm and precise so as to best provide the best solution; be it a domestic affair, a friend in need or someone who needs comforting after a row with their other half.

So, remember this part – A lot of what I study and hope to do revolves around helping people, be it just listening, being someone who needs advice to give and hopefully changing social behavior around precious commodities such as food and water (the security of to be more precise).

I often find myself lay awake at night, usually long hours. More often than not, and this is one of the biggest things I hate, I find myself thinking about it simultaneously whilst doing things that really need my full attention; work, games, reading, etc…

Meditation used to help with that, I guess I’m not going into my mindful states with 100% – vicious circle.

But this also got my thinking further whilst I’ve been thinking about this. It sort of breaks off into branches.

I guess this motivation comes from a lack of. A lot of the time I feel helpless, lost and confused – I know what I’m doing, but I don’t always feel like I’m doing it for myself. I feel like there is a plan afoot, not paranoia, I don’t feel anyone is cheating me. This is entirely contained within.

And I guess these feelings come from a long forgotten part of myself, a part for some reason I have buried. Which is why my aforementioned motivation above isn’t so simple, there is more to just wanting to help people.

I was considered a ‘weird’ child, and I was bullied a lot when I was younger. I was taken advantage of a lot. I distinctly remember some of my ‘closest’ friends playing pranks on me when I clearly didn’t appreciate such things. Kids will be kids, I can’t blame anyone for what they did when I was say, ten. This would be quite silly.

However, it can help me understand some things. Mainly, something I’m not so proud of – just like in the beginning of the post, I mentioned anger.

I consider myself to be an incredibly angry person – however, tightly controlled. I’d never willingly hit or hurt anyone unless they were hell bent on trying to hurt me or people I care for – that being said, I won’t be an innocent bystander either.

It’s this kind of feeling that has left me numb to others. Which is probably why I get so confused and on edge at times. Those feelings were lost, so those feelings feel new… again…

So, what I’m hoping to get at here is I sometimes don’t know who I am. I genuinely wonder what kind of person I am. Am I nice? Am I a dick 50% of the time?

I can’t put it into enough words because I feel like their aren’t enough – so that’s all I can say on that matter. I can’t think of the right words to bash out onto this post because I feel as if these words don’t exist. ┬áMaybe I need to do some more reading…

There are some parts I know are true, mainly because my gut is telling me to not dance with the unknown. I always tell the truth when I can, lying is something that bothers me a lot. I keep secrets, because I know the weight of one single word slipping out is like a comet impacting the earth.

That’s all I have for now…